Walmart at 3 a.m.

Who are these people that shop at three a.m.? As a confirmed night owl, and a veteran of third shift for many years, I prefer to go out shopping at night. Less crowds, better selection, and perhaps my favorite reason: colorful people. You never know what you are going to see when you walk into the Retail Happyland after dark. Tonight I saw a man in a cowboy hat with three green teeth. When I say three green teeth, I don't mean that three of his teeth were green. Huh-uh. He had three teeth and they were all green. Kind of an olive color, but brighter. Which is not to say that I am making fun of his lack of dental hygiene. No, that's not it at all. What I am wondering is how do you get your teeth that shade of green in the first place? Also, did they turn green and fall out- or did these three hardy souls stay put because they were green? I may never have the answer to that one, but I bet I'll be wondering about it for years to come. Welcome to my world. The second thing I saw that stayed with me was the guy with the pierced face. I can remember when a man with a pierced ear was strange enough. When ever any young men came to my Father's house, if they had a pierced ear, they quickly removed the earring. Not because my Father would say anything, but because he had the habit of patting them on the butt and telling them that anyone with earrings was fair game. One butt pat in front of their friends usually did the trick. No- the guy that I saw tonight had a pierced face. I couldn't count how many earring he had in each ear. But that wasn't enough for this crazy madcap.... He also had a ring in each eyebrow, a hoop in his nose and a spiky looking thing coming out of his face between his bottom lip and his chin. Several questions come to mind whenever I see something like this. The first one is- if he sneezes, does the thing in his nose bounce? Second, what possesses a person to get 17 holes poked in their face?? And the last thing that crossed my mind was -if he took them all out and then took a sip of water- would it pour out of the holes like a cartoon? I covered my laugh with a cough and kept shopping. Finally, even though the moon was full (this truly does bring out the nut jobs, believe me) the most amazing thing that I saw was the painted large woman. I don't mean to sound biased against large people or severely tattooed people, I am not. But what in the world crosses your mind to think that being four hundred pounds + and covering every visible patch of your skin with a myriad of different images is a good idea? Are you independently wealthy, because the odds of getting a job when you look like that are small, aren't they? And again, it's not that I think the problem is because you are a large person, or because you decided to get some sort of ink covering. The problem is that the two combined make you a walking-or in this case, automatic wheel cart riding-billboard. If you don't want me to stare discreetly from behind the display of laundry baskets, then you shouldn't have two naked people entwined on your meaty forearm with the word "hump" misspelled. Oh well, I do feel better about myself. And if you want to feel better about yourself and your situation, take a stroll through you- know- where late at night during a full moon. You'll thank me later.